I think I have been sitting alone for far too long nowadays. I realized it when I began noticing and feeling every twitch in my muscle, the sound my stomach would make because of the awkward positions I would put my limbs and torso through while enabling my fingers to continue running through the keyboard.
The most impudent move for me was when I held the laptop on one hand facing the window, so I could see the rains and type with the other hand. The fragility with which I was performing the act was suddenly broken as my mother got confused and could not stop herself from asking if I have gone mad.
The good part was she thought of confirming from me, implying there was still a semblance of hope left in her about me being a little sane.
My neck seemed to have found a new way to steady itself as looking up, down, sideways and in zig zag directions for more than 9 hours every day including the time spent in learning to juggle football has dislocated its existing center of gravity.
I am still clueless where it rests now.
Blogging can be cruel at times, as I observed my heart and mind, began first by mildly contradicting each other, followed it up by disagreeing and now they hardly shy away from getting belligerent upon noticing any awesome piece of writing by someone else as my heart tries to find faults in it to somehow preserve my intellectual integrity while the mind loathes me with awful commentary on my limited skills as a writer.
The jealousy tries to rear its ugly (or beautiful) head while the mind tries to reason on how I should take it as a learning opportunity. The struggle, comes to a conclusive end as I reflect upon the 1000 likes it had received compared to the solitary one on my own, that too given by someone whom I liked first in the hope of getting one in return.
I never contemplated, I will crave for attention so much my entire life, as much as I have been craving it in the past few months. I am an introvert and being alone and uncharacteristic was enjoyable for me.
And now, I need to know, if am on the verge of becoming a self-declared narcissistic whose narcissism right now is only acknowledged by his own self right now. (see, I can refer to myself in second person also)
Days have become so predictable that at times I forget that I am not in a job anymore. The consistency with which I follow my own self-declared schedule can even put military discipline to shame.
Wake up, pretend to do yoga and then the biggest scam of it all, begin pretending to write the moment it hits 11 a.m. The only sane thing I am doing nowadays and for which I get some appreciation every now and then is the cleaning that I do outside the house.
My mother has been kind enough to tell me that I am doing a decent job, although just yesterday she realized I am not washing up the areas where planters are being kept after noticing a significant amount of dirt there. A blot on my performance there as well as she exposed my laziness.
The only saving grace is also gone, so today, I pushed every flower pot aside to wipe the area clean hoping for a pat on the back and some generous and kind words of appreciation for the job well done.
However, she seemed more concerned about the quality of fruits I got today, 30% of which were rotten, the fact that I picked them up myself didn’t helped as now I don’t even have the luxury of putting the blame on the vendor.
I think I do not have what it takes to get the likes and comments on my content, so now I am thinking of an alternative profession good enough to satisfy my sadistic pleasure of public validation.
I have been posting regularly for the last 2 months and what I realized is posting is not the key to get traction, nor does spreading it on every social media is.
So, what’s the trick?
Well, I am not consciously aware of it.
However, I am sure it is still hidden somewhere within me and it’s not showing up and till the time it doesn’t manifests itself, I can’t use it.
So, I am still waiting for that subtle epiphany, the elusive eureka moment, when suddenly things will turn the way I want them to be.
On a totally different note, I want to know if you have you ever felt irritated with the spell checker, I didn’t used to, but then I realized it is correcting me even where I was right and for some strange reason, ‘it’ was wrong.
And then I recollected what I read in ‘the secret’, ‘when the entire universe conspires to make you look stupid, there is very little you can do, even your spell checker will turn against you and offer auto-suggestions which are obviously wrong, but you will still use them as it’s important to prove ‘the secret’ right.
However, don’t get me wrong, I will still continue to torment people with my writing, I won’t give up at least till the day, I start getting 10 comments begging me, harassing me, threatening me, to stop writing or if someone files a FIR accusing me of creating national discord.
And till that day, please bear with me.
If you are still reading this and have shown an unusual audacity to finish this self-deprecating piece of writing, I can only say one thing – God Bless you dear!
P.S – The blessing is contingent upon you not pleading me to stop this nonsense.
Else, God bless you again!