As I woke up in the morning, my mind decided to play around by forcing me to confront recurring thoughts of what I will be writing about, today and also added the anxiety of where I am heading towards. I generally keep myself one write-up in advance just to be on the safe side.
This early morning anxiety turned out to be a game of wits as I decided to observe my own thoughts. It was a surreal experience as I could feel the curdling in my stomach as the thoughts of me leading to nowhere began stomping my brain, repeatedly hitting my conscience like a hard rock. I looked outside the window to witness, sunrise which spectacularly splattered red on the horizon and the cool breeze blowing from the hills slapped my skin gently. All this however, still could not calm the inner sense of distraught I was experiencing.
The emotional potpourri of anxiety and uncertainty kept me on the tenterhooks while brewing unbridled inside challenging me to confront or surrender. I was getting dazed nervously giving away the control of my own self to a force which though alien still resided within me. Encouraged with how I was beginning to surrender, it began to subdue me even further forcing me to watch memories of past failures by running them in front of my open eyes like a movie.
I wanted to break free but couldn’t. Even though, my awareness tried pulling me up with the last bit of energy left in me, I didn’t realize when I began to feel comfortable in the discomforted mind and resisted any help with a potential to deprive me of my current mental state. I surprised myself by accepting that I had begun to crave it, why, I had no answer to that question.
I think I was unaware of who was in control at that moment, I felt as if I am still in a dream but knew it to be untrue. My conscious and unconscious seemed to have become one as I lost the ability to differentiate between reality and subjectivity. What has become what and who is controlling whom was entirely lost on me.
The thought blasted my mind again.
Where am I heading to?
I needed an answer, the question was turning into a living monster willing to devour my spirit and flesh, questioning my existence and drowning me in a sea of doubt and hopelessness.
I was still looking out the window with no conscious awareness of what my eyes were seeing. It felt as if the only images I could conjure up were all within me, even the eagle flying close to the black patch on the sky felt closer though a part of me was still aware of the enormous distance separating the two of us. Me caged in my brain looking at a free bird flying in the clouds.
My feet began to move suddenly a little slower at first, although, I still could not grasp where they were heading to. My mother in the kitchen wanted to know if I will have tea, I wanted to say yes, but couldn’t and carried on as if under some sort of spell.
I only realized I was on my terrace when I saw the football lying there, which I forgot to put back on the shoe rack yesterday night after a short little match with my 2-year-old nephew. The entire memory of climbing up the stairs was still lying in some hazy corner of my brain which I could not summon even after trying hard to do so for a few minutes.
From the terrace, the sun rays were now falling directly over me while the elevation offered an uninterrupted view of the Shivalik’s (foothills of Himalayas).
The familiarity of the place combined with few kicks on the football few times somehow changed the gloomy pall that had enveloped my mind till now as I felt my conscious beginning to regain control of my-self again.
Mama, mama (maternal uncle), followed by an innocent giggle and I knew who was running behind me, my nephew Hridhaan. He too woke up early and wanting to feel the refreshing chill of an early summer morning urged my sister to take her to the terrace.
‘Can’t get over his infectious Smile’
I immediately took him up in my arms imitating his laugh as the trance I was in till now suddenly loosened its hold on me, releasing my soul to let me be free again.
The early morning low had ebbed and died its natural death. I was free again or probably till next morning.